I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
