Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
