Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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