Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
