I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
