I faked an abortion last night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
