omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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