i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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