roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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