I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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