I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
