I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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