I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
