why didn't you poke me back
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
