bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
