Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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