I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
