I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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