Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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