It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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