I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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