I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
