No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
