you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
