apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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