I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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