if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
