i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
