Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
