Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
