why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
