I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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