My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
