I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
