everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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