if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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