Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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