Jerry, you need to find god
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize