UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
