I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize