All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize