seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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