Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
