I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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