Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
