Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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