she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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