I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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