toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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