Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
that's an acceptable place to lick
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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