By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
