Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
