Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
