I met the friendliest cop last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
