I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
