wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
