You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My life is pants optional.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
