smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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