2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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