I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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