i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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