I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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