My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize