I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
