make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
