i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
