you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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